Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Happyness.....what is it?

What exactly is happy? How do I find it?

Someone please let me know. All I really want to do right now is go lay down on my bed stay there and cry my eyes out. That is all I want to do. What I need to do right now is go upstairs change clothes and clean house. Wanting.....Needing......hurting ITS KILLING ME!!!!

I think what I want and what I need to do need to shut up lol. What I really want right now is to be talking to a guy. But its not time yet. I CANT WAIT FOR THAT TIME TO BE HERE!!!!!

Lord give me patience!!!!!!!!!! ALOT OF PATIENCE!!!!


What about it?

Everything seem weird right now. EVERYTHING!!

What is going on? How do I know if it is really gonna happen? Trusting in Jesus....Always!!

Not knowing is really weird. Knowing is even weird. Was it a dream? Was it my will? What is God's will?

I wish I knew the answers. I pray that He will tell me soon. I hope and pray I dont mess things up!!!!

Victoria M Clouse.......Sad!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

That little spot....

Sometimes I think no body cares about how I feel. So I guess that is why I write Blogs. Not alot of people read them. But I know God it watching me wirte them. I guess you could say this is one of the ways I talk to him lol.

My life isnt exactly what I want it to be. Somethings I can change. Others I cant. I cant do it alone but God is there. I love my Jesus. I Love my family. But there is always that little empty spot. That little spot kills me. I want to fill it up with God and go on.
I need Love. And I know he can give it. And I know he is there everynight. But there it is....still killing me. That little spot hurts. Sometimes so much all I wanna do is lay there and cry all day and night and never move.

I want a man to love me. To cuddle with me everynight. To love on me when I need it. Im so friggen lonley. I hate it. But, it is one of those thing I cant exactly change myself. I love to just cuddle my pillows when I wanna sleep but they don't cuddle me back. They wont love me back. They wont comfort me when I need it the most. Their just pillows. Their just there....Their not alive.

It makes me feel bad. That little spot. I am trying to give my life to God. And I am. I just want someone here with me. To share my life with. To share my time with. And someone who is not my mom or sister lol.

I have God and I can talk to him. know.....anyone know what im talking about?

I need to let it out!

There are so many things locked up inside of me. I don't really want anyone to know the things I go through but I wanna type it out. So I thought this would be the "good" idea.

Writing blogs make me feel better. I don't talk to people much and when I do, I don't want to unload on them all my problems. I like talking to God about them, though sometime I don't. Which I need to more and more.

God is the most important thing in my life. And I love him so much. He has brought me through so many things. And I have been through many lol. Who hasn't?

Just recently I went through a time where I thought God didn't love me and I left Church. (I wont make it a long story) I came back to God after/during drama conference. He told me he loved me and that always will. I had thought I had done so much sin that he wouldn't love me anymore. But the only unforgivable sin is blasphemy. And he let me know that.

When I came back I asked him for some help. I asked him to send me someone. Little did I know Kristen (one of best friends) was telling this one guy that I liked him. She said he was looking for someone to help out with things then get together but idk lol. And it was right at the same time I was praying to God.

I like him! I told him. Kristen told him......and I'm scared now lol.

If you are reading this....don't let me know. You know who you are lol.

I am so sad all the time. I'm depressed most of the time. And right now all I want to do is cry. But I'm trusting in Jesus. I know this "rainy" season will be over soon. And I know God is taking care of me. Thank you Lord!!!!

Victoria M. Clouse