Happyness.....what is it?

What exactly is happy? How do I find it?

Someone please let me know. All I really want to do right now is go lay down on my bed stay there and cry my eyes out. That is all I want to do. What I need to do right now is go upstairs change clothes and clean house. Wanting.....Needing......hurting ITS KILLING ME!!!!

I think what I want and what I need to do need to shut up lol. What I really want right now is to be talking to a guy. But its not time yet. I CANT WAIT FOR THAT TIME TO BE HERE!!!!!

Lord give me patience!!!!!!!!!! ALOT OF PATIENCE!!!!

VMC!

What about it?

Everything seem weird right now. EVERYTHING!!

What is going on? How do I know if it is really gonna happen? Trusting in Jesus....Always!!

Not knowing is really weird. Knowing is even weird. Was it a dream? Was it my will? What is God's will?

I wish I knew the answers. I pray that He will tell me soon. I hope and pray I dont mess things up!!!!

Victoria M Clouse.......Sad!

That little spot....

Sometimes I think no body cares about how I feel. So I guess that is why I write Blogs. Not alot of people read them. But I know God it watching me wirte them. I guess you could say this is one of the ways I talk to him lol.

My life isnt exactly what I want it to be. Somethings I can change. Others I cant. I cant do it alone but God is there. I love my Jesus. I Love my family. But there is always that little empty spot. That little spot kills me. I want to fill it up with God and go on.
I need Love. And I know he can give it. And I know he is there everynight. But there it is....still killing me. That little spot hurts. Sometimes so much all I wanna do is lay there and cry all day and night and never move.

I want a man to love me. To cuddle with me everynight. To love on me when I need it. Im so friggen lonley. I hate it. But, it is one of those thing I cant exactly change myself. I love to just cuddle my pillows when I wanna sleep but they don't cuddle me back. They wont love me back. They wont comfort me when I need it the most. Their just pillows. Their just there....Their not alive.

It makes me feel bad. That little spot. I am trying to give my life to God. And I am. I just want someone here with me. To share my life with. To share my time with. And someone who is not my mom or sister lol.

I have God and I can talk to him. But....you know.....anyone know what im talking about?

I need to let it out!

There are so many things locked up inside of me. I don't really want anyone to know the things I go through but I wanna type it out. So I thought this would be the "good" idea.

Writing blogs make me feel better. I don't talk to people much and when I do, I don't want to unload on them all my problems. I like talking to God about them, though sometime I don't. Which I need to more and more.

God is the most important thing in my life. And I love him so much. He has brought me through so many things. And I have been through many lol. Who hasn't?

Just recently I went through a time where I thought God didn't love me and I left Church. (I wont make it a long story) I came back to God after/during drama conference. He told me he loved me and that always will. I had thought I had done so much sin that he wouldn't love me anymore. But the only unforgivable sin is blasphemy. And he let me know that.

When I came back I asked him for some help. I asked him to send me someone. Little did I know Kristen (one of best friends) was telling this one guy that I liked him. She said he was looking for someone to help out with things then get together but idk lol. And it was right at the same time I was praying to God.

I like him! I told him. Kristen told him......and I'm scared now lol.

If you are reading this....don't let me know. You know who you are lol.

I am so sad all the time. I'm depressed most of the time. And right now all I want to do is cry. But I'm trusting in Jesus. I know this "rainy" season will be over soon. And I know God is taking care of me. Thank you Lord!!!!

Victoria M. Clouse